Up Until Now…
Up until now I allowed a disconnect between my heart and my head. Up until now I could feel the big ball of emotions; my reactions to others pulsating just outside of my gut. Some feelings I could discern others would flood me there were many and so strong, I could not differentiate them.
Up until now I would hide from them in the strong tower of my understanding of the love of God. I could run into my emotional love for others and not have to feel their suffering because it would overwhelm me. I could avoid the fact that I had contributed to their suffering by feeling loving but not always acting in loving way’s.
Up until now when I was at rest, calm or safe I could feel other’s pain, suffering and struggles. Sometimes it would scare me. Sometimes I tried to fix them because I thought I was god and thought I could, or I was arrogant enough to believe I actually understood.
Up until now I sometimes hid from the reality of the struggles and pain that is this life. Up until now I thought I could hide, but then I realized this is life, and it is now or it is not at all.
Now life to me is in the communication of the reality of our true existence to one another and God is at the very heart of it. Up until now I stood sometimes on the outside of real life or I would skate on the surface of it, thinking I understood,
Up until now…
William Mark Parry
John 1:1‐4 C. Scott Translation © 8.17.2012